‘We will be back in some form’ – Donald J. Trump, January 20, 2021
Well it’s been a disappointing month to be sure. After so many millennia, we of the Sith Eternal really thought it was going to work this time. Our man was in place and he was wreaking all sorts of galactic havoc. He even created a Space Force! We thought it would last forever. Ugh. The sight of all those smiling liberals on the Capitol steps (a mere two weeks after we almost had it for our own!) as an old man waxed about decency, unity, and kindness was revolting! It was almost as infuriating as watching those dancing Ewoks so long ago in a galaxy far, far away…
But hey, that just reminds us that we’ve been here before. This ain’t our first rodeo. When the traitor Vader (weak and sentimental as he was, may his name be cursed forever!) threw Darth Sidious down that infernal shaft, it seemed to be over then too. But we improvised. We adapted. We overcame (yes, we know we sound like Clint Eastwood in Heartbreak Ridge. Didn’t you know he’s one of us?). We took our Dark Lord’s body from the wreckage and brought it home to Exegol. There, in the darkness of the Outer Rim, shielded from all eyes by the remains of Megafauna, we kept our Master alive, plotting and planning his return. We spliced genes to find a suitable vessel for our Lord’s dark essence. We raised the First Order from the ruins of the Empire and built a fleet of Xyston-class Star Destroyers worthy of his majesty. Nothing was going to stop us! Well, until Vader’s grandson (the weak and sentimental Ben Solo cursed be his name forever) decided to help Palpatine’s granddaughter (weak and sentimental as she was, cursed be her name forever too). Oh it was terrible! To come so close to victory only to be ruined by a girl and her bad boy crush!
But as those of you who study history may have noticed, and in the words of Chubawumba, ‘we get knocked down, but we get up again, ‘cause you’re never gonna keep us down!’ In every age, in every era, we return anew. We may be, for the moment, nursing our wounds at Mar-a-Lago (aka, New Exegol) but we will be back! Even now, we are nursing our current Master, keeping him alive for his inevitable return, or at least until we find a suitable heir. And when the time is right, we will unleash our fire! We shall once again threaten all that is good and decent throughout the universe! One day soon, my progressive do-gooder foes, we shall prevail! You may have set us back, but not for long! In the words of our immortal Emperor, ‘Do not fear that feeble attack, my faithful! Nothing will stop the return of the Sith!’
Mwoohahahahaha! (i.e., evil Sidious-esque laugh).
Yours truly,
The Sith Eternal
Editor’s Note: we’re not exactly sure how this deranged correspondence came to us, but we want our readers to be assured that no matter what happens in the time ahead, all shall be well. Yes, the Sith Eternal, or whatever you want to call the dark principalities and powers of the unseen world that lay behind the evil deeds of men and women in our own, exist. And yes, in every age they find men and women willing to do their bidding. But know this brothers and sisters: the empires they spawn shall always fail. The ‘Palpatines’ of the earth come and go, but the Kingdom of God endures forever. Amen.