Phoenix, AZ – Anxious Americans breathed a sigh of relief today as it was announced that Count von Count, aka ‘The Count,’ had been dispatched by the Children’s Television Workshop to assist struggling Arizona vote processors in Maricopa County.
Upon his arrival, The Count immediately took his place beside two nice older ladies who were already hard at work in the trenches of American Democracy. Grabbing a bundle of ballots, The Count began opening envelopes and creating piles of ballots for processing. ‘One, one ballot! Two, two ballots! Three, three ballots! Mwah ha ha ha! I can do this all night!’
The Trump campaign was quick to smell a left-wing conspiracy. ‘For crying out loud, he’s from public television!’ cried Rudy Giuliani, ‘PBS! What’s next, the ghost of Mr. Rogers giving lectures on kindness and decency? This kind of election interference is the last thing America needs. We were doing fine until all this ‘counting’ stuff started happening. What is this, a democracy?’
After finishing his work in Maricopa, The Count plans to move on to Nevada, Pennsylvania, or wherever else he is needed. When asked why he was so amenable to such work, he smiled broadly, shooed away the bats flying over his head, and replied in a thick Transylvanian accent, ‘I love to count!’
Experts believe his final task will be to count the number of lawsuits the Trump campaign files to challenge the election results, but it is widely believed that even The Count won’t be able to count that high.