Attention all Patriots and Lovers of Freedom!
Texas Senator Ted Cruz expressed outrage this week after Sesame Street’s Big Bird proudly tweeted (on twitter that is) about having received his Covid-19 inoculation, noting that his wing was sore, but it was worth it to keep himself and others healthy. The Senator responded with a tweet of his own labeling the over-sized fowl’s public service announcement ‘government propaganda for five-year-olds.’
Immediately, the forces of American conservativism sprang into action, backing Cruz and launching an immediate raid on the Children’s Television Workshop, long suspected of harboring radicals hell bent on indoctrinating children with left-wing values (such as sharing, caring, treating people who are different from you with kindness, singing the alphabet, and discovering which of four things is not like the other).
Said raid revealed that Big Bird’s tweet was merely the tip of the iceberg. The CTW had numerous shocking public service announcements in the works, several of which were stopped in the course of production. In one, Oscar the Grouch was to have pontificated on the upside of recycling in a song entitled, ‘How I Love [to Separate] Trash.’ Cookie Monster, who recently returned from a health spa for treatment after being diagnosed with advanced type II diabetes, had been rehearsing a speech to children on the benefits of moderation and healthy eating habits. Grover, dressed in classic ‘Super-Grover’ garb, was caught purple handed working on a monologue concerning the importance of wearing a helmet and other safety equipment when flying or crashing into solid objects. Snuffleupagus had a script for a piece against the ivory trade, and, most dastardly of all, Kermit the Frog was found filming a companion project on climate change and biodiversity, in which he planned to explain to children that it is in fact, despite his previous contention, quite easy being green.
Rest assured, honest Americans, each of these projects has been stopped in their tracks, thereby saving the nation’s children from a future marked by community responsibility, healthy eating habits, safety, and the sound stewardship of planet earth.
At a press conference today, Senator Cruz thanked his colleagues for their quick action. ‘Had we not acted when we did, who knows what else the CTW might have attempted? While they weren’t found at the studio, I shudder to think what Bert and Ernie might have been working on.’
Cruz and his colleagues plan to visit Nickelodeon Studios next, having received a tip that SpongeBob SquarePants might be up to no good.
Note: the first paragraph of this post is true. Click here for the story.