Category: Satire

An Open Letter to All the Peoples of Middle-Earth

Barad Dur, Mordor, TA 3017, Tuesday Morning

Greetings!

Can you believe it?  They’re doing it again.  Elrond is once again weaponizing the government of Middle-earth against me.  He’s assembled a Council in Rivendell and indicted me on false charges.  He’s even sent forth some sort of party – he calls it a ‘Fellowship,’ whatever that means – to try to take me down a second time.  These guys never quit.  No one in the history of Middle-earth has been as attacked as much as me.  And for what?  I’ll tell you.  For making the world more peaceful and prosperous than it ever was, and daring to try to do it again. 

Remember when I was last in charge?    Everyone had gifts.  So many gifts.  Rings of Power.  That’s right, I made them.  Celebrimbor was a hack.  Couldn’t have done it without me.  Everyone knows it.  You know it, I know it, the people of Middle-earth know it.  Everyone wanted my rings.  Dwarves, Men, even Elves couldn’t put them down!  There were no strings attached either.  Just good gifts that improved everyone’s lives.  Better than they ever were before.  If you don’t believe me ask the Witch King of Angmar.  Always speaks highly of me.  All the other Nazgul too.  They’d have died long ago it if weren’t for my gifts.  They never had it better than when I was in charge.  If I’d stayed in charge, everyone would be like them now.  Everyone would have rings.  Everyone would be happy.  Everyone would be so Nazgul, you just wouldn’t believe it. 

Manufacturing was at an all-time high too.  People couldn’t believe how high it was.  Full employment.  We had good jobs.  Quality jobs.  Not the kind of jobs they have now.  We had Orc jobs.  Hobbit jobs.  Elf jobs.  Dwarves were mining again.  All because of my gifts.  But then they came after me.  Galadriel, Elrond, Elendil, Isildur, and all the other Marxists, Fascists, and Communists.  Formed something called, ‘The Last Alliance.’  We were just having a peaceful protest in Mordor when they came charging in.  Total peace before they came along.  No war plans whatsoever.  All of Arda was at peace.  Galadriel was the worst.  Nasty woman.  Gollum thinks so.  Very nasty.  There was once a time when she was kind of into me.  Not that she had a chance.  Way too old.  Like 5000 or something.  She’s so old she doesn’t even know if she’s alive.  That’s why everything’s so screwed up.  They came in and wrecked it all.  But we’ll fix it.  We’ll make Middle-earth great again.  As soon as I get my ring back.  It’ll be great even before I put it on my finger.  You know it, I know it, all the Children of Iluvatar know it.  By the way, I’m a big believer in Iluvatar.  Big believer.  I love it when I go to church and eat my cracker.  His children love me.  They love me so much you can’t believe it.  Because I give them everything they want.  They never had it so good as when I was in charge.  And when I’m back in charge they’ll have it good again.  It’ll be so great they won’t ever have to vote again. 

I understand some of you are placing your trust in the Fellowship.  Well, let me tell you about them.  They want to take your jobs.  Take all your weapons: your swords, your axes, your daggers.  Did you know they want to stop the mining of Mithril?  That’s right, they want the dwarves to starve.  Not me.  I want dwarves to live.  Mine! Mine! Mine!  That’s what I say.  But not them.  They want to shut it all down.  And that’s not the worst of it.  They want Hobbits everywhere.  Never before in the history of Middle-earth have there been so many Hobbits pouring over the borders of the Shire.  Let me tell you, these aren’t good Hobbits.  They’re bad hombres.  Crime is way down in the Shire, you know why? Because they’re sending all their criminals to your towns.  And they’re taking your jobs.  All the jobs in Gondor.  All the jobs in Wilderland.  All the jobs in Rhun.  Harad.  Rhovanion.  All over.  You should see what’s happening in Bree.  They’re eating the pets.  Eating the cats.  Eating the dogs.  Poor Bill Ferney can’t even find his pony.  I’ll tell you where it is.  It’s in the belly of some fat Hobbit.  Barliman Butterbur can deny it all he wants.  He has an inn to run.  Wants people to still visit.  But we know it’s happening.  You know it.  I know it.  The people of Bree know it. 

And what’s up with Gandalf?  I’ve known him a long time.  Indirectly, not directly very much.  He was always Grey and he was only promoting that.  I didn’t know he was White until a number of months ago he happened to turn White.  And now he wants to be known as White.  So, I don’t know.  Is he Grey or White?  I respect either one, but he obviously doesn’t because he was Grey all the way then all of a sudden, he made a turn and he went, he became a White Wizard.  I already have a White Wizard.  Saruman.  Great guy.  He’s building me an army right now.  Way better than Gandalf.  He once captured Gandalf you know.  Held him on top of Orthanc at Isengard until some eagle rescued him.  Couldn’t even rescue himself.  Loser.  I prefer wizards who don’t get captured.

Which reminds me of a conversation I had some time back in the Second Age with Cirdan the Shipwright.  Don’t like him much, he was never nice to me, but he does know how to build boats.  So, I asked him, ‘what would happen if one of your boats sank, and you’re in the boat, and you have this tremendously powerful elf magic that powers the boat, and the elf magic is under water, and there’s a Balrog that’s approximately 10 yards over there?’  By the way, a lot of Balrog attacks lately, do you notice that?  Lot of Balrogs.  I watched some guys justifying it today, ‘Well, they weren’t really that angry, they bit off the young lady’s leg because of the fact that they were not hungry but they misunderstood who she was.’  These people are crazy.  He said, ‘there no problem with Balrogs, they just didn’t really understand a young woman swimming.’  No, really got decimated, and other people, too, a lot of Balrog attacks.  So, I said to Cirdan, ‘There’s a Balrog 10 yards away from the boat, 10 yards, or here.  Do I get zapped with elf magic if the boat is sinking, water gets in the elf magic, the boat is sinking?  Do I stay on top of the boat and get zapped, or do I jump over by the Balrog and not get zapped?’  Because I tell you, he didn’t know the answer.  He said, ‘You know, nobody’s ever asked me that question.’  I said, ‘I think it’s a good question.  I think there’s a lot of elf magic coming through that water.’  But you know what I’d do if there was a Balrog or you could get zapped with elf magic?  I’ll take elf magic every single time.  I’m not getting near the Balrog.  So, we’re going to end elf magic.  We’re going to end it for boats, we’re going to end it for wagons.’ 

I’m sure by now you can see that the answer to all of Middle Earth’s problems is myself.  No one has plans like I do.  Or concepts of plans.  My concepts are always the best.  Because, as you can tell, I am a very stable genius.  Smarter than anyone.  You know it.  I know it.  And soon all of Middle-earth will know it.  So, here’s what you can do: nothing.  Just sit back, drink your Covefe, and let me do as I will.  I’ll be doing it soon anyway.  You can’t stop me.  And then you’ll never have to do anything again. 

Your Soon to be (again) Dark Lord,

Sauron the Great

Conservatives Save Nation from Onslaught of Muppet Propaganda

Attention all Patriots and Lovers of Freedom!

Texas Senator Ted Cruz expressed outrage this week after Sesame Street’s Big Bird proudly tweeted (on twitter that is) about having received his Covid-19 inoculation, noting that his wing was sore, but it was worth it to keep himself and others healthy.  The Senator responded with a tweet of his own labeling the over-sized fowl’s public service announcement ‘government propaganda for five-year-olds.’ 

Immediately, the forces of American conservativism sprang into action, backing Cruz and launching an immediate raid on the Children’s Television Workshop, long suspected of harboring radicals hell bent on indoctrinating children with left-wing values (such as sharing, caring, treating people who are different from you with kindness, singing the alphabet, and discovering which of four things is not like the other).

Said raid revealed that Big Bird’s tweet was merely the tip of the iceberg.  The CTW had numerous shocking public service announcements in the works, several of which were stopped in the course of production.  In one, Oscar the Grouch was to have pontificated on the upside of recycling in a song entitled, ‘How I Love [to Separate] Trash.’  Cookie Monster, who recently returned from a health spa for treatment after being diagnosed with advanced type II diabetes, had been rehearsing a speech to children on the benefits of moderation and healthy eating habits. Grover, dressed in classic ‘Super-Grover’ garb, was caught purple handed working on a monologue concerning the importance of wearing a helmet and other safety equipment when flying or crashing into solid objects.  Snuffleupagus had a script for a piece against the ivory trade, and, most dastardly of all, Kermit the Frog was found filming a companion project on climate change and biodiversity, in which he planned to explain to children that it is in fact, despite his previous contention, quite easy being green. 

Rest assured, honest Americans, each of these projects has been stopped in their tracks, thereby saving the nation’s children from a future marked by community responsibility, healthy eating habits, safety, and the sound stewardship of planet earth. 

At a press conference today, Senator Cruz thanked his colleagues for their quick action.  ‘Had we not acted when we did, who knows what else the CTW might have attempted?  While they weren’t found at the studio, I shudder to think what Bert and Ernie might have been working on.’ 

Cruz and his colleagues plan to visit Nickelodeon Studios next, having received a tip that SpongeBob SquarePants might be up to no good. 

Note: the first paragraph of this post is true.  Click here for the story. 

Greetings from Exegol

‘We will be back in some form’ – Donald J. Trump, January 20, 2021

Well it’s been a disappointing month to be sure.  After so many millennia, we of the Sith Eternal really thought it was going to work this time.  Our man was in place and he was wreaking all sorts of galactic havoc.  He even created a Space Force!  We thought it would last forever.  Ugh.  The sight of all those smiling liberals on the Capitol steps (a mere two weeks after we almost had it for our own!) as an old man waxed about decency, unity, and kindness was revolting!  It was almost as infuriating as watching those dancing Ewoks so long ago in a galaxy far, far away…

But hey, that just reminds us that we’ve been here before.  This ain’t our first rodeo.  When the traitor Vader (weak and sentimental as he was, may his name be cursed forever!) threw Darth Sidious down that infernal shaft, it seemed to be over then too.  But we improvised.  We adapted.  We overcame (yes, we know we sound like Clint Eastwood in Heartbreak Ridge.  Didn’t you know he’s one of us?).  We took our Dark Lord’s body from the wreckage and brought it home to Exegol.  There, in the darkness of the Outer Rim, shielded from all eyes by the remains of Megafauna, we kept our Master alive, plotting and planning his return.  We spliced genes to find a suitable vessel for our Lord’s dark essence.  We raised the First Order from the ruins of the Empire and built a fleet of Xyston-class Star Destroyers worthy of his majesty.  Nothing was going to stop us!  Well, until Vader’s grandson (the weak and sentimental Ben Solo cursed be his name forever) decided to help Palpatine’s granddaughter (weak and sentimental as she was, cursed be her name forever too).  Oh it was terrible!  To come so close to victory only to be ruined by a girl and her bad boy crush!  

But as those of you who study history may have noticed, and in the words of Chubawumba, ‘we get knocked down, but we get up again, ‘cause you’re never gonna keep us down!’  In every age, in every era, we return anew.  We may be, for the moment, nursing our wounds at Mar-a-Lago (aka, New Exegol) but we will be back!  Even now, we are nursing our current Master, keeping him alive for his inevitable return, or at least until we find a suitable heir.  And when the time is right, we will unleash our fire!  We shall once again threaten all that is good and decent throughout the universe!  One day soon, my progressive do-gooder foes, we shall prevail!  You may have set us back, but not for long!  In the words of our immortal Emperor, ‘Do not fear that feeble attack, my faithful!  Nothing will stop the return of the Sith!’

Mwoohahahahaha! (i.e., evil Sidious-esque laugh). 

Yours truly,

The Sith Eternal

Editor’s Note: we’re not exactly sure how this deranged correspondence came to us, but we want our readers to be assured that no matter what happens in the time ahead, all shall be well.  Yes, the Sith Eternal, or whatever you want to call the dark principalities and powers of the unseen world that lay behind the evil deeds of men and women in our own, exist.  And yes, in every age they find men and women willing to do their bidding.  But know this brothers and sisters: the empires they spawn shall always fail.  The ‘Palpatines’ of the earth come and go, but the Kingdom of God endures forever.  Amen.

Born in America?

Special guest piece by President Donald Trump

Fellow Americans,

It’s a great day.  A huge day.  A day for making America great.  America wasn’t always great.  She was great once.  Then not so great.  But now, thanks to me, great again.  It’s important that we keep America great.  Very important.  Because not everyone wants her to be great.  But we are great. 

My staff is nodding at me.  I think they want me to write about, oh yes, Kamala Harris.  You know, some very bright people, highly qualified, very talented people are pointing out she wasn’t really born in America.  Like Obama wasn’t.  You know he never really produced a birth certificate.  The FAKE NEWS LIBERAL MEDIA said he did.  But he didn’t.  A lot of people said it wasn’t authentic.  Smart people.  And now, here we are again.  The Democrats are conning America once more.  And I should know.  I know a con when I see one.  I practically invented the con.  Ask anyone.  Everyone’s talking about it.

But back to Kamala.  Some called me a racist because I said that Obama wasn’t born in America.  People are always ganging up on me like that.   I’ve been treated worse than Lincoln.   Who was shot and killed but I’ve still been treated worse.  Way worse.  I’m sure I’ll be called racist for pointing this out about Kamala too.  She’s nasty by the way.  Very nasty.  A mad, nasty woman.  And too ambitious.  Lots of people tell me so.  The best people.  But I’m not a racist.  I’m the least racist person in the world.  Just ask all those good people in Charlottesville.

I have nothing against Kamala.  Or Obama really.  Other than that they are HORRIBLE people who want to steal our history and heritage and take down our monuments to our glorious Confederate heroes.  It’s just that, and this is just common sense, no one of color was EVER born in America.  How could they have been? Some say they were.  But that’s the biggest con ever.  Or maybe it’s not.  Who knows?  All I know is that this stuff works.  My supporters eat it up.  They’re not racist either you know.  Just good people who question whether any and all people of color are born in America.  Which only makes sense.  Maybe not to you.  But to me.  And I should know because I have a HUGE brain.  VERY STABLE GENIUS.   I passed a cognitive test to prove it.  Sleepy Joe couldn’t pass it but I did.  He should take it.  He won’t though.  Because he knows he can’t.  But I can. That’s how I know that America is for white people.  And Native Americans.  Well, not really.  Except Senator Pocahontas.  But then again you never really know.  She’s a nasty woman too. 

Probably wasn’t born in America. 

Making America White Great Again,

Donald J. Trump

2027

‘They have planted the wind and will harvest the whirlwind‘ – Hosea 8:7 NLT

Washington DC – The impeachment inquiry continues today on Capitol Hill as Republican members of the House of Representatives continue to present their case that Democratic President Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (PAOC) abused the power of her office for partisan political purposes.

The story broke over the summer that individuals working at PAOC’s direction had made repeated overtures to the newly elected President of South Korea to announce an investigation into the business activities of Nikki Haley and her family. Haley, who served as Vice President in the Trump administration from 2021-2025, is widely considered to be the front runner for the 2028 Republican Presidential nomination.

Soon after the story broke, PAOC released a transcript of a ‘perfect’ call between herself and the South Korean President that seemed to confirm the allegations. House Republicans immediately launched the current investigation, which has produced both records and testimony from career diplomats and military officers that conclusively prove that PAOC ordered the withholding of military aid to South Korea until such time as an investigation was announced into Ms. Haley and her family. Further evidence indicates that PAOC created a shadow government led by her personal attorney to further pressure South Korea and otherwise dig up dirt on Haley. It should be noted that there is no evidence that either Ms. Haley or her family engaged in any unlawful activity.

Jim Jordan, Republican Chairman of the House Committee for Integrity and Consistency in Government, which is conducting the investigation, raged in his opening statement, ‘The President abused her power for her own personal gain. Never in my congressional tenure have I seen such an explicit abuse of power. If I had I would have done something about it! That woman has invited foreign powers to interfere with our democracy. If this isn’t an impeachable offense, nothing is!’

California Republican and fellow committee member Devin Nunes echoed Jordan’s sentiments. ‘The witnesses before this committee have included lifelong foreign service men and women and a purple heart recipient. These are the most honorable men and women in America. I have always listened to and respected such witnesses. They have laid out a case of bribery, pure and simple, a veritable shakedown against an important American ally, and all the Democrats have in defense are disproved conspiracy theories and lies. I tell you, if this stands, our nation will never be the same again!’

From the other side of the Capital building, Senate Minority Leader Lindsay Graham, channeling a 1998 version of himself, lambasted Democrats in both the House and Senate for refusing to watch the hearings or otherwise listen to the evidence. ‘Our democracy is under attack by foreign powers with the assistance of the Chief Executive, and the party in power is doing nothing! This is outrageous! My friend John McCain would be appalled!’

Donald Trump also weighed in on the scandal. Tweeting from his home in Moscow, where he now lives with his fourth wife, the former President and Russian Oligarch said, ‘AOC is a lightweight! Doesn’t even know how to have a scandal. Mine was way bigger than hers. Bigger than anybodys! Make Russia Great Again! Covefe!’

Trump’s intervention highlights the difficulty Republicans will face in attempting to impeach and remove PAOC from office. Undercutting their case at every turn is the fact that for eight years, the official position of the GOP was that the President had authority to engage in what they now accuse PAOC of doing.

PAOC has been under attack by Republicans ever since she managed to overcame all odds to win the 2024 Presidential election. Much to the consternation of Republicans, she managed to eke out an electoral college win while losing the popular vote by three million votes. The GOP has been furious ever since, and has not surprisingly used the current hearings to highlight what they now believe to be a host of unconstitutional maneuvers by the young President. These include emergency declarations that have transferred monies previously allocated by Congress for the military to, among other things, initiate a mandatory gun buy-back program, institute universal health coverage, provide federal funds to women seeking abortion, and purchase millions of large corks to be used in the President’s ongoing fight against bovine flatulence. She has also been accused of conspiring with the nations of the European Union to push false ads on social media in an attempt to persuade gullible Americans to vote against her rival, Donald Trump Jr., in the 2024 election.

PAOC has defended all of these actions by saying that Article II of the United States Constitution gives her the authority to do anything she darn well pleases, a position that was in fact ratified by the Supreme Court in 2021 shortly after President Trump appointed his third and fourth High Court Justices. She has stated that it is her intention to govern in this manner throughout the next 35 years of her tenure in office.

At press time, it was considered likely that the Republican controlled House would draft and pass articles of impeachment against the President. But in light of fairly recent historical precedent, it is widely assumed that Republicans in the equally divided Senate would not be able to muster sufficient Democratic defections to remove PAOC from office.

As newly elected Democratic Senator Joy Behar put it, ‘The rules for this sort of thing were settled by Republicans during the Trump years. Presidents are within their rights to invite foreign powers to interfere with our democratic processes. And to do anything else they want for that matter.’

‘What goes around comes around.’

Photo courtesy of Louis Velazquez on Unsplash