Barad Dur, Mordor, TA 3017, Tuesday Morning
Greetings!
Can you believe it? They’re doing it again. Elrond is once again weaponizing the government of Middle-earth against me. He’s assembled a Council in Rivendell and indicted me on false charges. He’s even sent forth some sort of party – he calls it a ‘Fellowship,’ whatever that means – to try to take me down a second time. These guys never quit. No one in the history of Middle-earth has been as attacked as much as me. And for what? I’ll tell you. For making the world more peaceful and prosperous than it ever was, and daring to try to do it again.
Remember when I was last in charge? Everyone had gifts. So many gifts. Rings of Power. That’s right, I made them. Celebrimbor was a hack. Couldn’t have done it without me. Everyone knows it. You know it, I know it, the people of Middle-earth know it. Everyone wanted my rings. Dwarves, Men, even Elves couldn’t put them down! There were no strings attached either. Just good gifts that improved everyone’s lives. Better than they ever were before. If you don’t believe me ask the Witch King of Angmar. Always speaks highly of me. All the other Nazgul too. They’d have died long ago it if weren’t for my gifts. They never had it better than when I was in charge. If I’d stayed in charge, everyone would be like them now. Everyone would have rings. Everyone would be happy. Everyone would be so Nazgul, you just wouldn’t believe it.
Manufacturing was at an all-time high too. People couldn’t believe how high it was. Full employment. We had good jobs. Quality jobs. Not the kind of jobs they have now. We had Orc jobs. Hobbit jobs. Elf jobs. Dwarves were mining again. All because of my gifts. But then they came after me. Galadriel, Elrond, Elendil, Isildur, and all the other Marxists, Fascists, and Communists. Formed something called, ‘The Last Alliance.’ We were just having a peaceful protest in Mordor when they came charging in. Total peace before they came along. No war plans whatsoever. All of Arda was at peace. Galadriel was the worst. Nasty woman. Gollum thinks so. Very nasty. There was once a time when she was kind of into me. Not that she had a chance. Way too old. Like 5000 or something. She’s so old she doesn’t even know if she’s alive. That’s why everything’s so screwed up. They came in and wrecked it all. But we’ll fix it. We’ll make Middle-earth great again. As soon as I get my ring back. It’ll be great even before I put it on my finger. You know it, I know it, all the Children of Iluvatar know it. By the way, I’m a big believer in Iluvatar. Big believer. I love it when I go to church and eat my cracker. His children love me. They love me so much you can’t believe it. Because I give them everything they want. They never had it so good as when I was in charge. And when I’m back in charge they’ll have it good again. It’ll be so great they won’t ever have to vote again.
I understand some of you are placing your trust in the Fellowship. Well, let me tell you about them. They want to take your jobs. Take all your weapons: your swords, your axes, your daggers. Did you know they want to stop the mining of Mithril? That’s right, they want the dwarves to starve. Not me. I want dwarves to live. Mine! Mine! Mine! That’s what I say. But not them. They want to shut it all down. And that’s not the worst of it. They want Hobbits everywhere. Never before in the history of Middle-earth have there been so many Hobbits pouring over the borders of the Shire. Let me tell you, these aren’t good Hobbits. They’re bad hombres. Crime is way down in the Shire, you know why? Because they’re sending all their criminals to your towns. And they’re taking your jobs. All the jobs in Gondor. All the jobs in Wilderland. All the jobs in Rhun. Harad. Rhovanion. All over. You should see what’s happening in Bree. They’re eating the pets. Eating the cats. Eating the dogs. Poor Bill Ferney can’t even find his pony. I’ll tell you where it is. It’s in the belly of some fat Hobbit. Barliman Butterbur can deny it all he wants. He has an inn to run. Wants people to still visit. But we know it’s happening. You know it. I know it. The people of Bree know it.
And what’s up with Gandalf? I’ve known him a long time. Indirectly, not directly very much. He was always Grey and he was only promoting that. I didn’t know he was White until a number of months ago he happened to turn White. And now he wants to be known as White. So, I don’t know. Is he Grey or White? I respect either one, but he obviously doesn’t because he was Grey all the way then all of a sudden, he made a turn and he went, he became a White Wizard. I already have a White Wizard. Saruman. Great guy. He’s building me an army right now. Way better than Gandalf. He once captured Gandalf you know. Held him on top of Orthanc at Isengard until some eagle rescued him. Couldn’t even rescue himself. Loser. I prefer wizards who don’t get captured.
Which reminds me of a conversation I had some time back in the Second Age with Cirdan the Shipwright. Don’t like him much, he was never nice to me, but he does know how to build boats. So, I asked him, ‘what would happen if one of your boats sank, and you’re in the boat, and you have this tremendously powerful elf magic that powers the boat, and the elf magic is under water, and there’s a Balrog that’s approximately 10 yards over there?’ By the way, a lot of Balrog attacks lately, do you notice that? Lot of Balrogs. I watched some guys justifying it today, ‘Well, they weren’t really that angry, they bit off the young lady’s leg because of the fact that they were not hungry but they misunderstood who she was.’ These people are crazy. He said, ‘there no problem with Balrogs, they just didn’t really understand a young woman swimming.’ No, really got decimated, and other people, too, a lot of Balrog attacks. So, I said to Cirdan, ‘There’s a Balrog 10 yards away from the boat, 10 yards, or here. Do I get zapped with elf magic if the boat is sinking, water gets in the elf magic, the boat is sinking? Do I stay on top of the boat and get zapped, or do I jump over by the Balrog and not get zapped?’ Because I tell you, he didn’t know the answer. He said, ‘You know, nobody’s ever asked me that question.’ I said, ‘I think it’s a good question. I think there’s a lot of elf magic coming through that water.’ But you know what I’d do if there was a Balrog or you could get zapped with elf magic? I’ll take elf magic every single time. I’m not getting near the Balrog. So, we’re going to end elf magic. We’re going to end it for boats, we’re going to end it for wagons.’
I’m sure by now you can see that the answer to all of Middle Earth’s problems is myself. No one has plans like I do. Or concepts of plans. My concepts are always the best. Because, as you can tell, I am a very stable genius. Smarter than anyone. You know it. I know it. And soon all of Middle-earth will know it. So, here’s what you can do: nothing. Just sit back, drink your Covefe, and let me do as I will. I’ll be doing it soon anyway. You can’t stop me. And then you’ll never have to do anything again.
Your Soon to be (again) Dark Lord,
Sauron the Great