Dear Hallmark Channel,
After watching many of your films with my wife (okay, after repeatedly walking into the room while my wife is watching them only to be asked to leave as a result of my incessant mockery of the acting, script, etc.) I had a brainstorm for what just might be the greatest movie you will ever make. Here is my proposal, submitted for your consideration.
A Very Precious Christmas
A Hallmark Original Production
Starring Andy Serkis
Plot: In the enchanting town of Bree, a peculiar and mischievous traveler named Gollum arrives in search of his precious lost ring (which was stolen by some nasty hobbit). This ring, a cherished memento he ‘found’ on his birthday, holds great sentimental value to him. However, Gollum leads a lonely life, as the destructive powers of the ring, made as it was by the Dark Lord of Mordor, have made him both hideous and violent. Moreover, he has become so obsessed with his ring that he has never found time for love. No one understands him. Or, perhaps, they understand him too well…
As Bree prepares for its annual holiday festival, Gollum’s quest to find his ring intertwines with the life of Lily, the daughter of Barliman Butterbur, proprietor of The Prancy Pony, the town’s beloved and quaint local inn. Lily is at a crossroads in her life, unsure if she wants to follow in her father’s footsteps. She feels the weight of his expectations and the uncertainty of her future. Gollum is taken with Lily the moment he sees her. Despite her conflicted and frenzied personality, he can’t get her out of his mind. Probably because she’s hot.
Lily, along with her playful puppy, Sam, is inexplicably drawn to Gollum and decides to help him. He’s hideous, but she can tell that deep down, he is someone special; it’s almost like there’s another half of him in there somewhere, if she could only draw it out. As they embark on a whimsical journey to recover the lost ring, Lily discovers her own path and passions. Through their adventures, Gollum and Lily learn about friendship, love, self-discovery, and the true spirit of Christmas.
In this soon to be classic’s heartwarming climax, as the snow begins to fall gently around them, Gollum, who now goes by his long lost name Smeagol, finds his precious ring. He turns to Lily, realizing that the true treasure he’s found is her companionship. They share a tender kiss under the twinkling Christmas lights. As they part, Gollum whispers, “My precious,” with a twinkle in his eye.
Tagline: “Sometimes, the most precious gift is the one you didn’t expect.”
Trust me Hallmark! I know, I know, it could be the worst installment in The Lord of the Rings franchise, but it will surely be the best darn Hallmark movie ever!
Respectfully submitted,
Brent Miller
(With a little help from Copilot AI)